Holding on for dear life...

I never thought that I would be holding onto him for dear life. I wanted so bad to tell him to leave, to stop contacting me, to never speak to me again. I could never force the words out of my mouth.

I believe a lot of people struggle to release someone that just hinders us from moving on. I’m a great woman, wonderful mom, amazing personality, and guess what I happen to not suck at loving someone either. Yet, I have heard all the excuses and compliments that you could ever dream of giving someone. So what drives them to crush you in that way, to put you on a pedestal they don’t intend to stand by?

Here is the scene: One day you meet him. A numbing relationship right from the start. Conversation is easier than it’s ever been, dates are extremely amazing, and you know early on he is like no one you have ever met before. You know the type. He thinks you’re gorgeous in sweats, he has the typical perfect family and well, he is flawless and doesn’t even know it! You find yourself letting down the walls and letting him in. He’s perfect! He would never hurt you and you’re crazy if you think he would right?

You enjoy your perfect moments together the way he comforts you when you’re down, the way your lips fit his perfectly, everything down to the simplest conversations. Lying in bed, on his chest as he brushes his fingers through your hair. You have finally found someone that makes your heart smile and know that he feels the same.
Than one day it happens. The moment he starts pulling away, the day you never thought would come. “It’s not you, it’s me”, “I’m scared and don’t think I’m ready for all you have to offer”, or the most shattering… “You’re amazing, I don’t deserve you” Wow…Really??!!

Some people beg and plead with that person. . What went wrong, we can work it all out, I can be whatever you need and then some women push back the pain... smile and simply say, “Have a great life.”

The day comes when he can’t get you out of his head ( Oh yes the day will come ) he thinks he might have made a phenomenal mistake but he is unsure so you get that text, call, or knock on the door. He reminds you that you’re amazing, that you’re beautiful and he can’t imagine not having you in his life BUT he keeps you at a distance or ask you to be patient. Making you wonder why he even came back around. As you start to say something, your heart stops. You realize you long to hear the words that will continue to come out of his mouth.

You never thought that you would be holding onto him for dear life. You want so bad to tell him to leave, to stop contacting you, to never speak to you again…

So here is what I know now. I won't force myself to have space in his life because if he knew my worth, he would create it for me.

When someone isn't willing to make time and space for you in their life, it is usually because they don't respect how special of a person that you really are. They may truly like or love you, but we must all remember that showing love to someone is more than just telling them it every once in a while. Don't force yourself to have space in a person's life that doesn’t recognize your worth. Release them…

The One That Got Away..

Even after a woman is married (or otherwise informally attached), it is perfectly normal for that woman to still wonder about the men of romances past. Certain questions might occasionally cross that woman's mind: What might have happened if I had ended up with Mr. High-School Heartthrob? Where is Mr. Crush today? Or, was my true 'Mr. Right' truly the One & Only? Considering the current lives of these past men does not mean that we are stuck in the past or that we don't love the one we're with. It does not make us cheaters; it makes us human. For most of us, there is always that special man from our past who we label as The One That Got Away.

His name was Mr. Pacific...

I am not quite even sure how it happened. One day, we are working alongside each other as coworkers; the next, we are bringing each other home to meet mom. One minute, he's introducing himself during our shift; the next, he's going out of his way to pass me to say hi and smile. The two of us always volunteered to work at unnecessary places on the worst floor. Then, we would walk out of the together, usually chatting and flirting next to our cars until long after the parking lot was empty.

For the most part, our relationship was completely platonic—a few times, it progressed to something more. But of course, time would pass, I would go back to my town and him to his, and the relationship would be forced to end. However, he always appeared again, Mr. Pacific and I would always be drawn to each other, unable to fight the chemistry between us. But, since we knew how much it would hurt when the short time was over, we didn't talk about the future; we would never express how much we felt.. Short romances seemed to be our fate.. atleast for the time being.


I do not blame either of us for letting go. He was 23, and I was only 19 . So young, having to make big decisions—we cannot be expected to make the right one every time. And who knows? Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe it was only a short romance, and we were supposed to move on to new futures. We might have never worked out. However, even after all these years, when I think about the characters of my past, he has always been "the one that got away" in my love story.

We started chatting one day recently, and I finally got up the courage to ask him:
"Why did you let me go? Why didn't you demand that I stay? I was crazy about you—I would have stayed there with you."

He surprised me completely with his reply:
"I didn't ask because I didn't know you wanted me to. Why didn't you ask me to stay there with you? I was crazy about you too—I would have followed you wherever you went."

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know that I was meant be married, I was meant to get divorced, and I was meant to be hurt beyond belief by many people for a reason. So I have to wonder — was "the one that got away" meant only to be a part of my past? Or is there a reason he suddenly reappears into my future time and time again? Maybe, I'm not yet supposed to know.


PS This blog post was extremely difficult to write for a couple of reasons. First, it forces me to face my true feelings for him. He has a part of my heart. Secondly, the transparency of writing a blog like this, practically in real time makes it difficult to keep a “poker face” in real life. Whew, hard stuff. . .